Clever ways city singles dodge the 'utaoa lini' question during the holidays

December holidays are here and, as usual, city dwellers will be trooping to shags to join their relatives in celebrations. However, this is a moment most dreaded by city bachelors and bachelorettes since it’s a time to answer questions of utaleta mtu lini? Or when are you going to be “people”?  However, crafty chaps will always come up with ways of keeping inquisitors at bay. Here are ten of them.

1. Kukomboa mshikaji

She has been given two months off and there is no way she can spend all that time in the city. However, the expectations and promises she made to relatives are still fresh and there is no way she will appear home as alone this time. To silence the village charlatans and even witches, she will hire Kamau, and give him a good tip, plus free trips and holidays. He will pretend to be his husband for the time she will be at home until they are back in the city.

2. Blame it on village witches

When the topic about mshikaji and wajukuu comes up, she will blame the village witches, saying they had played a hand in keeping her better half away from her. To put strength to her assertions, she will show the family how many other girls remain single despite their success career-wise.

3. Mzungu to the rescue

Whenever she is asked if she has found her better half, she will dish out a photo of a mzungu man whom she claims is her fiancés from abroad. She will inform the relatives how the white chap is set to transform their lives once he lands from majuu. When asked of how they met, she will claim that they met when he was in Kenya on a mission.

4. Marriage is hell

This one will give one lame excuse after excuse until the inquisitive relatives are tired of her.  In one occasion, she will narrate to them about the horrific scenes of man hacking wife to death and how another one in Nakuru chopped off the hands of his estranged wife. “Mimi sitaki kukufa mapema, acha nikae kae kwanza,” she will explain.

5.  Hijacking discussions on marital status

She ensures to hijack the conversation by being the first one to talk about her status and her plans to do a wedding next June. She will tell the parents to be ready for mgeni anytime soon and that they are planning for a grand wedding. When the mother insists on talking to that fiancés on phone, she will claim her boyfriend’s culture doesn’t allow in-laws to talk on phone before they meet physically.

6. I am finally ready for marriage

To confuse his parents who are always reminding him about time being on the wrong side, he will inform them that he is now ready for mshikaji and he is looking for one. He will also make it known to them that they are free to talk to that girl in the next village on his behalf. Interestingly, this was the same story last year and the year before.

7. The night traveller

The chap will make sure he arrives at home during the night and slips into his house when nobody can see him. This is out of embarrassment of arriving at home as a lone ranger with a ka-bag hanging from the shoulder.  He will also use the same trick when going back to the city, the plan being to avoid meeting “annoying guys” hell-bent on knowing about his marriage plans.

8. Another fake breakup

She will claim alipata mtu but wakakosana along the way. She will even go further to detail the fiancés background, job, and social status and how bad friends influenced their separation. To elicit sympathy from her audience, she will even go further to claim the said fiancé was toxic and abusive. In real sense, there was no fiancé, not even an abusive one.

9.  Conversations manger

He will dodge the questions of utaoa lini and divert to other subjects immediately.  He will even pretend not to have heard the question and start introducing other subjects.

10. Missing in action

He landed at home for the December holidays but he is rarely seen or heard by relatives and parents. He wakes up very early from his simba, disappears and returns home late in the night. He is doing that just to avoid being asked when he is bringing “people” home.