Valentine’s Day is when mbivu na mbichi hujulikana (the wheat is separated from the chaff) in relationships. This is the day you find out whether your supposed lover is truly yours or has other ‘commitments’ elsewhere. While the day is meant to be about love, many end up with heartbreaks—like that mpango who resigns herself to reality when her sponsor retreats to his family, leaving her in the dark.
This one will be completely unreachable the entire day—both on the phone and in person. For him, Valentine’s Day is overrated and meaningless, so he sees no need to commit to anyone. He will leave both his side chick and goat wife (main wife) frustrated after raising their expectations. Two days later, he will reappear with an outlandish story about being abducted.
This mubaba will be dashing back and forth between his goat wife and side chick. He will spend an hour with the wife, suddenly receive an “urgent call from a client” (who is actually the mpango), then rush to give her her share of the Valentine’s pie. His goal is to keep both happy enough so that neither suspects anything.
This one has mastered the art of deception. He will tell his unsuspecting wife that he has to work all day, while in reality, he is busy pampering his mpango. He will shower her with gifts, expensive wine, and kuku choma, giving her and her children the full Valentine’s experience. Meanwhile, back at home, his biological children are stuck with ugali na sukuma wiki, as he claims to be too broke to afford anything else.
On the eve of Valentine’s, he will send his mpango a short message declaring that he has seen the light and can no longer live a sinful life. The breakup is abrupt and final. When she tries to call him for an explanation, she will discover she has been blocked everywhere.
This is the rare mubaba who dedicates the day entirely to his wife. He will be upfront with his mpango, telling her not to expect anything from him on this “great day.” His wife and children are the lucky ones—at least for today.
Never satisfied with what he has, this mubaba is always on the prowl. Instead of treating his existing girlfriends, he will spend Valentine’s Day hunting for new ones. He preys on heartbroken women, using their sadness to lure them into his ever-growing harem. He knows that his other women will never leave him—after all, he is loaded.
This one is completely indifferent to Valentine’s Day. When his wife or mpango calls him to ask about plans, his standard response is, “I’ll see what I can do,” before hanging up. If you expect flowers or chocolates from him, you are mistaken.
Once a big spender, this mubaba is now on the verge of bankruptcy, but is too proud to admit it. To avoid exposure, he will dodge both his wife and mpango like the plague—not because he doesn’t love them, but because his pockets are empty.
This mubaba is the master of broken promises. His words are as empty as some politicians’ manifestos. He might have promised his mpango a brand-new Mercedes or a luxury trip to Dubai, but come Valentine’s Day, he will swear he never said such a thing.
Perhaps he is an octogenarian, or maybe Alzheimer’s is catching up with him. Whatever the case, this mubaba will need constant reminders about Valentine’s Day and what he is supposed to do. If you don’t keep reminding him, you might as well prepare for disappointment.
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