Someone who has not been to the city of Nairobi for ages recently complained about the cost of using a toilet. A whole twenty Kenyan shillings. The amount was a bit of a shocker for me as well because the last time I used those toilets after being stuck in traffic too long and ‘I really had to go,’ I paid Sh10. If you have been to those public toilets, you will agree that charging people that amount is a Nairobbery moment.
The floors are perennially wet, you have to manually pour water into the toilet bowl after use, the queues are long with bladder-pressed people and ironically, even with all that water on the floor, and the bowls being constantly flushed down, they stink.
A clean, nice smelling toilet is one of the few luxuries I demand in life, and since the city cannot provide me with that, I found a way. For people staying behind in the city during the festive season, here is a hack I shall name, a little luxury for you every day.
Think nice hotels. And pubs. They are all over the city, and if you can look at the door security people dead in the eye and ask them to point you to the washrooms (do not say toilets), they will. In all my decades of using this hack, I have never been denied access. I have never been asked if I intend to use their services after using the toilets and if they did, I would actually scream, ‘that is so inappropriate! Is this how you treat customers?’
Free coffee
If you can wear your confidence like a pair of spectacles, in your face, and if you can relax your shoulders to appear like you belong, you will gain access to many places. It is not just the clean toilets with piped music and toilet seat sanitiser I have used for free. I have also drank free brewed coffee. This one is a new(ish) hack. I had a meeting in one five star hotel and as I waited at the lounge, I was offered a beverage. Naturally, I declined because in my head, a cup of coffee there cost about a thousand Kenya shillings, and as much as I am a lover of good coffee, I refuse to pay that much for it.
Only it turned out to be free. But I went back to that hotel on a different occasion, sat at the lounge and accepted a cup of coffee while I pretended to be waiting for someone. It is a nice way to enjoy ambience, a better option to sitting under the sun in Uhuru Park or Jivanjee Gardens to take a breather from the rat race. The only problem is that most these places tend to be out of the city, but I have been known to drive in if they are on my way, enjoy a good toilet break and free beverage.
Supermarket toilets
Did you also know that if you are in any supermarket and you really need to go, you are legally allowed to use their toilet? My only problem with supermarket toilets is that they are worse than petrol station ones. In fact, I take this opportunity to commend most petrol stations because it does not feel like a punishment to use their toilets.
If you are too afraid or shy to walk into a hotel lounge to take a break from the December scorching sun, there is always a bank near you, and bless them all because they now have sitting, and long queues, which does not make sense because I thought online and USSD banking is the thing now.
I digress. Get in, book your ticket and take a seat. Most of these banks also have water and disposable tumblers in case you need to hydrate.
When it is your turn and you still have not rested enough, fret not. Nobody knows you are the holder of the ticket. Just keep sitting and when you are ready to leave, fake a phone call and walk out.
Send me your city hacks so I can share them.
Have a happy new year!
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