Married and Sexless: Why marriages are turning into roommate situations

An unhappy couple in bed. (Courtesy/iStock)

Dry spell has badly hit marriages. It remains the greatest source of frustration among married couples who are supposed to be enjoying it.

I was going through some random Facebook post where someone had asked a rather awkward question, about how often should a married couple get intimate. Now what tickled me more than it shocked me, was one who quickly retorted; “there’s no sex in marriage buana!”.

I could see mixed reactions from people, but most of them agreed with him. Like, period - there’s none of it in marriage.

We all know that any good relationship of persons of the opposite gender or whichever orientation, sex is mostly that awesome binding moment between the parties.

This is the time that brings together the love birds, rekindles initial infancy days of the relationship and could also be a way of forgiveness and solving whatever that might be ailing the union.

We would say, sex was God’s idea of expressing love and affection with a bonus of kids as bundles of the joy of marriage. Yet it remains the greatest source of frustrations among married couples who are supposed to enjoy it.

Sex drought has badly hit the marriage institution among both the young and the old, and you’d not be surprised when you evesrdop conversations out here where people go out to get sorted. Much as men are the biggest victims of this drought right inside their matrimonial beds because their women withhold conjugal rights whenever they feel like, it is emerging that women are also sexually starved!

This is something we never talk about, it’s a conversation we aren’t ready for but ask around. There are wababas who deny their wives what brought them (wives) around and you’d wonder, what do (some) men really want? 

Not that married people hate nkt having sex at all, they are in fact having the best of it out here than you’d ever imagine! People have long weekend road trips to wherever, they sneak out of offices during lunch breaks for funch (sic) while some have meetings and trainings out of town throughout the month, just for steamy sexapades in Airbnbs.

You would think they’re equally starved, no. They’re very full. But back home there’s no speaking about intimacy.

On the countable days when they decide to remember that they’re actually married and married people don’t just sleep like siblings, they hurriedly do it out of mere obligation, thoughtless duty or sympathy. Yani someone who was ‘the one’ some good years ago, now gets intimate with you out of sympathy!

The sexual spark in marriages has gone back to zero. Marriage is nowadays more like a trial App, cosmetic sort of, where people get together for family, the church and the public. It’s rarely about love and companionship like it’s meant to be, because even the ‘two shall become one’ is said before the masses for the sake of saying. The happily ever after and till death do us part has greatly been replaced by ‘til sex do us part’. Sex in marriage is selfish, its about one’s interests - if one doesn’t gerrit, they forget about it and goes out there to be served as they want.

Inconsistent and infrequent sex in marriage may be brought about by a number of factors, especially with the current 21st century life plus the very ruthless economic times. Its honestly a murky cocktail of exhaustion - reaching targets and beating deadlines, traffic, tax, health conditions, alcohol, depression, and ungrateful kids.

Where will a couple even get time and energy for a steamy night after 12 hours in the office and another five in the crazy traffic, then getting home to an unromantic spouse and noisy children?

But again, have y’all married guys tried bringing back the spark you once had when dating? Sex is more like painting. Like the music plus art and craft of 8-4-4 during our days. Rhythmically playing with colours and techniques with a lot of creativity every other day and you can never experience the drought.

Break the monotony, normal is boring. Kwanza how do y’all ‘borrow’ sex? Because something borrowed can as well be denied. How about we initiate this whole act of loving and being loved back?

Until spouses stop having obligatory and unfulfilling sex or no sex at all, we will still have this debate in decades to come, it might even get worse. Sex should only get better in marriage.


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