No relatives for your upcoming ruracio? Hire us!

December is here with us and so are the festivities. Around this time, folks in the mountain go for ruracio or traditional dowry payment. Which comes with a need for various service providers like dowry negotiators etc. It’s for this reason that I offer my team here for various services related to ruracio.

One important person during the ruracio is the dowry negotiator. This is the man who comes armed with pithy proverbs that can make the in-laws give out their daughter for free. Owing to my junior elder status, I am offering my negotiation services at a small fee.

If you bump into yours truly donning a brown regalia bedecked with cowrie shells and a flywhisk in my hand, kindly make way for I will be headed to an event that will give a young man someone to warm his bed.

Sometimes dowry negotiations do not go as planned. Often, the girl’s parents take a hardline stand and demand an unreasonable number of goats since Wanja their daughter is a God-fearing girl. Yet we all know that Wanja’s sizeable pot belly is from downing copious amounts of pricey amber liquids at Kamakis over the weekend.

Such tricky social situations require the forthrightness of my cousin Kamaley. In such a scenario, Kamaley will fish a kanuthu from the inner pocket of his frayed jacket, uncork it, take a gulp then slur: it’s either you take fifty thousand or your stay with your daughter- wasichana sio wawili kama masikio!

No proper dowry negotiations are complete without the ancestors being appeased with some libations of our traditional hooch-muratina. My uncle who is always carrying a machete is a master brewer of that amber stuff and will be available for hire.

If you want stuff for sensitive stomachs that are used to Moets, he will charge premium. If you want a potent brew that will make village elders sing about imaginary goats all night and stagger home the following day, uncle is the man for you.

Gicheru our village breeder will come in handy if your in-laws are die-hard traditionalists who demand live cows and goats instead of cash money for dowry. This ageing breeder keeps prize he-goats and buffalo-sized oxen that will melt the girl’s father heart. We know times are hard so if you also want the cows and goats to mysteriously disappear without a trace from your in-laws after a few days, he can organize for that too. At a premium fee though, since some gava officials will be in the mix.

When going to visit in-laws, a kiondo that shows one is truly Gikuyu is a must-have accessory. Aunty Jerusha comes in handy here with her flowery kiondos. She will also source for you ndumas, ngwacis and related tubers to take to the in-laws. If your aunties are the Nairobi type who speak Gikuyu with twang and might turn up drunk, you can hire aunty Jerusha to fill in that role.

I am reliably informed that there are some ladies who don’t see eye to eye with their shady rural cousins. My village has enough young men who can be hired as fake cousins at short notice.

njambigilbert@yahoo.com