Intimate partner abuse: When love turns into violence

Scars on Stephen Lebati’s arms are a clear indication of the violence that has been unleashed on him. He credits the injustice to his wife of five years. They have been living in Nairobi since they got married.

When the 27-year-old married his high school sweetheart, he thought it would be all rosy.

“Ours looked like a perfect union ordained by God,” says Lebati, adding; “I got married in 2017 to a young beautiful girl. Our marriage was perfect, filled with romance. We used to call each other those romantic names. We deeply cared for one another.”

They did everything together, even house chores. When one is washing clothes, another one is rinsing and hanging them on the clothesline, or taking care of another chore in the house.

Thanks to his booming Mtumba business, the father of one was able to provide for his family.

However, the outbreak of COVID-19 in 2020 marked the beginning of their problems. And their union has been on the rocks since then.

“Covid-19 affected our marriage. It had been all rosy for us. My business went down and it has never been the same again. I have not been able to provide for my family and this is partly the source of our conflicts,” says Lebati.

He adds: “A time came when I could no longer give money to my wife for daily upkeep as I had been doing. The expenses were choking us.”

“I tried explaining the situation to my wife but things became even more difficult. My income had drastically decreased but she cared less. She wanted me to maintain the lifestyle we were used to.”

Lebati says he felt his wife was being influenced by some people, fellow women somewhere.

He says the woman became wild and to make matters worse, she even stopped cooking in the house and preferred buying takeaway foods from restaurants.

“When I asked why she had stopped cooking, she hit me. She assaulted me, hitting me using anything she could lay her hands on in the house,” he narrates.

Lebati says that day worsened the trouble in their union as his wife has continued to unleash violence against him.

“I have been in an abusive marriage, not knowing what to do. At one point, I left the house and rented another one in a different estate but she followed me there and continued attacking me. My house has been a battleground,” he says.

A life of violence

Lebati’s case is similar to that of Charles Mwangi,24, who has equally been subjected to domestic violence at the hands of his wife. Ever since Mwangi decided to live with his lover in 2019 to cover up the shame of teenage pregnancy, violence is all he has known.

“We started dating while in high school. Unfortunately, she got pregnant and I had to give in to her parents’ pressure of taking responsibility for my actions,” Mwangi recalls.

“The pregnancy forced me into an early marriage. I was not ready for marriage,” says Mwangi.

He says the burden of providing became heavier with the arrival of their child. 

“I had to work overtime, sometimes doing both day and night shifts to be able to provide for my family,” says Mwangi.

His decision to work overtime, however, affected their union negatively as his wife started accusing him of infidelity.

“She started suspecting that I had become unfaithful. She even accused me of having rented another house for my supposed second family. While I was on night shift, she felt I was spending the night with another woman, another family,” Mwangi says.

Mwangi says his wife started nagging and attacking him verbally, even in the presence of their neighbours. He says he opted to spend the nights out with friends.

“After a long day at work, all I wanted was to get a warm reception and spend time with my family. However, my house turned into a war zone. Any moment she started quarrelling, I would leave the house because I feared the fights may turn fatal,” he narrates.

His partner’s attitude and urge to provoke violence prompted him to seek solace in drugs, and he abused a lot of substances, he said.

“Her attitude forced me into drug and alcohol use. That is what I felt like doing to calm to deal with my anger and anxiety. Sometimes I could spend all my earnings on alcohol because I did not feel the need to go home where I was subjected to violence,” he claims.

Mwangi says the drama in his relationship has lowered his self-esteem. Their neighbours now refer to them as the “noisy couple” and this has affected Mwangi.

He says he will continue holding on to their union. Mwangi shows scars on his hands that are a result of the beatings he has received from the woman.

Sweet to sour

A few miles away, in Nairobi, we meet Moses Mole has been enduring violence in his marriage. The 23-year-old narrates his journey of trying to make his marriage of three years work.

“Our marriage was so sweet, especially during the first months. I never imagined things could turn this bad,” says Mole.

Mole, who then depended on menial jobs, says all was well until he lost his job and could no longer provide for the family.

To add salt to injury, his partner fell under the influence of friends. She started using drugs.

“Since she started using drugs, my house has been turned upside down. I had to assume her roles because she became lazy and very moody. I am the one who is taking care of our two-year-old son. The money I give her for food, she uses it to buy drugs,” Mole says.

Under the influence of drugs, his partner often provokes him into a fight.

“To avoid the fights, I get into the house silently, and put on my earphones and listen to music,” he says.

Consequentially, he has also resorted to alcohol and substance abuse which he says help him deal with his wife’s verbal and physical abuses, somehow.

“Nowadays, I can’t get to my house while I am sober. I started using alcohol to deal with the stressful life I find myself in,” he says.

Early marriage

Domestic violence, most of which is gender-based, is also common among teenage girls in marriages.

Mariam Hussein decided to get married in 2019 only for her union to get rocky after four years.

“Marriage was enjoyable at first until I delivered my firstborn. My husband became violent. We no longer discuss family matters peacefully as we used to do. Violence is the order of the day,” she says.

The 23-year-old claims her husband started spending all his time with friends, who he joined in drinking sprees.

She turned to her in-laws who then agreed to help take care of the family.

“My husband stopped fending for the family so I told my in-laws who have been helping me from time to time,” Mariam says.

She kept holding onto hopes that things would get better but the situation got even worse when she gave birth to her secondborn.

To make matters worse her husband started having multiple partners and even bringing them to their house. “He could come home with different women and instruct me to vacate our matrimonial bed for them to spend the night. I question his actions but this often provokes beatings.

I just kept praying that I did not end up contracting any disease or infections,” she recalls wiping out tears in her eyes.

Miriam says she is suffering in her marriage. She accuses her husband of injuring her several times for which she has spent days in hospital.

Whenever doctors asked her about the cause of her injuries, she lied to protect her oppressor.

“I could not take legal action against him. I felt reporting him would leave my children fatherless, that is, in case he is jailed,” she said.

Belinder Amboko is also a victim of early marriage, having gotten married at the age of 16 years.

“I got married in 2019, and my husband assured me that there was nothing to worry about it. He said he would make the marriage official after two years after I obtained a national identity card,” the 20-year-old says.

When she finally conceived, the man became hostile and started beating me up. 

Belinder says her husband even started having multiple partners and would bring women into their house.

“My husband could bring different women into the house and spend with them there. He could assault and abuse me in front of his visitors,” she recalls.

She says her husband then complained that she had lost her beauty and was no longer attractive to him.

“I even contracted STIs because of my unfaithful partner. I endured all but decided to quit the union after he almost killed me,” she says, adding; “I tried to save my marriage but one day, he beat me up when I was expectant with our second child. I bled excessively and miscarried. That’s when I realized that I was risking my life.”