Date Nairobians at your own risk

Nairobi is this one beautiful city of dazzle and we all need to dress up to keep up. With the helter-skelter kinda lifestyles around us and the current dynamics of dating, a very extreme sport in this sinful city, we have normalized living a big lie - it’s all about survival. Love is one lie that you should laugh off when it’s pronounced by a Nairobian. In fact, when a Nairobian tells you they love you, slap them! We don’t do that here. Love is for the birds and the heart is purely for pumping blood.

“Dating in Nairobi requires you to lick cement from time to time to strengthen your heart”. I read this tweet and rolled on the floor! But where’s the lie? Like, literally, you not only need steel muscles and big balls (pun intended), but a concrete heart to fully date and trust a Nairobian. Else you’ll be enrolled directly to the Kenya School of Character Development and be baptized by fire. In the name of love.

Love triangle drama festivals are the order of the day

Episode after another. If you are not dating a very married man masquerading as a 54-year-old single father of one out here, you’re entangled in a very awkward and complicated web of situationships that you can’t even tell how the heck you found yourself in! Cheating scandals, baby daddy-baby mama madness, and what-have-yous are the cocktails in a Nairobi glass of dating or trying to. Crime scenes all over! One thing though about our beloved city love is, there are no rules of the game.

There used to be but who are we to follow rules? Are we school kids? No keeping track or keeping scores. Fouls and injuries but Ref waves ‘play on’ and, on the games continue. GOAT wives have been fasting and praying for their philandering husbands for decades, watched War Room movies, visited Mganga Mashuhuri kutoka Tanga and nothing has changed! It only gets better, for the prayer items - the husbands.

There were rules of the game for side chicks way back in 1924 but those babes have balls bigger and harder than we could ever imagine! They have purchased audacity level 10 and are currently operating on steroids. ‘They’re not side chics, they’re simply women loved by your unfaithful husbands’ read a funny tweet that cut deep into wives’ nerves but, where’s the lie? Side chic is so 1932! Being called a side chic or a mpango in Nairobi is no longer demeaning. Girls have balls bana.

Nairobi is one hell of a living lie when it comes to relationships. All of us are suspects and prospects of cheating and, cheating is actually not such a big deal. The deal here is, with whom? Plenty of fish in the sea but muddy altogether, and if you haven’t been cheated on, caught cheating or planned to, then you should just pack your bags and go back to your village - that’s where you belong.

There’s no real love in Nairobi.

I mean, who in their right senses would even want to be loved by a Nairobian? Love is not on our bucket list. Here, we live a day at time, basically dwelling and thriving on situationships, sexapades, one-night stands, friends with benefits, and pick-me-ups. Someone who cries of a heartbreak in this city, in 2023, is a newbie. Sit down and go through the Nairobi manual, Magarita!

Probably came across the funny meme about people finding the loves of their lives after they’re married, no? Karibu Nairobi! Here, the wife or husband is not necessarily ‘The One’. There’s you, the spouse, then there’s the love of your person’s life. Yet still, besides, there’s a sneaky link, then an office boy/girlfriend, then a bestie. Buana, Nairobi is a food web! 

Super gonorrhoea and other short stories in Nairobi are proudly sponsored by house parties, road trips, company seminars and Vasha rallies. The only thing Nairobians fear is lightning, maybe. A Nairobian who is single is a liar bigger than all ma-lairs around the city. Don’t board. If they tell you they’re single, run and break your legs before they break your heart. All of us have people - just find some little space and squeeze yourself in tukisonga. It never lasts more than 1.59!